Comparison is the thief of joy… but is it? As a reserved child my biggest source of misery was being compared to others but as an adult I notice ways in which it’s helped.
I have a loving family who want the best for me and if there ever was a competition as to how much love parents have for their children my parents would win hands-down. But their comparison of me to other people drives me bananas.
Comparison as a Child
I understand why my parents did it. Imagine me as a child – quiet, one who preferred to observe the world rather than participate in it. From outward appearances they must have thought I was miserable. Just to be clear I was never unhappy, I was just the type of kid that paid attention to EVERYTHING. There was so much going on in my mind, I was always trying to work out the world.
So, as a parent who believed their child was inherently solemn they may have thought, “Hey, let’s encourage her to come out of her shell. Enjoy life a little more”. What better way to do that than to compare me to the outgoing, confident kids? “You should be more like Tina”, “Look at what Rebecca’s doing, you should do the same”.
Their “motivation” was never interpreted in the way they thought it would be, instead I mistook these words as my parents taking affection from me and giving it to someone else. It was completely wrong to think that way, but it was how it felt. It always hung over my head to the point that even if something nice was said about a friend of mine I would take it as a personal attack against me.
Comparison as a Teenager
Now if I think long and hard about it there was two types of comparisons that I faced as a teenager, the unfair comparison and the fair comparison.
The unfair comparison went something like this, I’d get compared to friends or acquaintances who appeared to be better than me but if my folks actually knew what they got up to they wouldn’t be singing their praises quite so unreservedly. This type I didn’t mind too much. I would never really say anything either. I would never tell my parents if those kids were under-age drinking or doing drugs or anything. I never felt that I had to prove myself in any way because I was confident in who I was and that I was on a pretty good path. Every now and then this would elicit from me a “You don’t know what happens behind closed doors” remark. If I was feeling particularly cocky I’d also throw in a “Careful what you wish for”.
The fair comparison was usually to good friends who actually were better than me. This one used to make me mad. I don’t know why anger was my default response but I can remember my feelings so vividly. My go to phrase was “Who gives a shit what <insert name> is doing?” Because really, who cared?
Being compared to other’s can elicit a sense of shame when there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Look, if I’m being really honest with myself, one of the reasons it got to me was because there was probably some truth that was being brought up. I could have been a nicer person to be around or I could have been more respectful, I could have made more of an effort around the house. But how is a teenager meant to come out and agree to change because I was compared to my best friend? I couldn’t! If they knew that this tactic would work to get me to do what they wanted, there would be no end to this nightmare. So instead, very strategically, I became even more obnoxious.
Comparison as an Adult
I didn’t like it then, and I definitely do not like it now. “I have a friend just like you.” “You remind me so much of my daughter.” Now I know people think in generalisations and stereotypes but it can still get under my skin, especially if they’re compliments. I know I’m not a unique snowflake, but I definitely don’t like feeling so generic either. There’s obviously no winning with me.
Comparisons don’t make me feel inadequate so much as they make me feel invisible
Logically I know I should no longer care about what is said. I’m old enough to know that everyone has their own crap to deal with, and the older we get the more baggage we have so every comparison is an unfair one.
Comparison: Gratitude, Goals and Growth
One good thing to come out of all this is I don’t judge others, I don’t usually compare myself to others, and I don’t compete with others. Up until writing this post I thought my lack of competitiveness was a good thing, noble somehow. But I think I’m reconsidering that position as I may have missed out on revelling in healthy competition. As I’m literally only working this out as I’m typing I think this will need to be a topic for another time.
Of the few times I have compared myself to others it has lead to an enormous amounts of gratitude and personal growth.
For 10 years I was chronically ill, it was a pretty shitty time. When I would look at other people who were worse off than me I would feel better about my situation. I’m aware that sharing this with people you might think I’m callous or unfeeling or selfish and rude. But when your life is falling apart knowing that there is someone worse off does make you feel better. Not at their expense, but just because things could be worse and you’re grateful that they’re not.
Tips on how to use comparison as your guide
- If you have goals look to see how someone else achieved them and by mimicking their behaviours you can move closer to your goals. You don’t always need to reinvent the wheel and you can shortcut a lot of trial and error.
- Learn from other people’s mistakes.
- Don’t compete in games without endings. There is always someone prettier, funnier, skinnier, smarter, faster. This includes things like Instagram. There is always someone with more likes, comments, better photographs (better filters most of the time). There is no end to this game, so it’s better to not let your self-worth get tied up in it.
- Be realistic about where you’re at. Even as a young child I knew I wasn’t fast, tall or a good swimmer. It was fine, I knew where I stood in the world. I knew my own strengths and weaknesses without anyone having to point them out. When you’re realistic about where you’re at you know what you can work on, you can find happiness in where you’re at now.
- Parents if you want to inspire your kids find a role model for them. Not yourself, but someone not too close to home. Talk to them about someone inspirational, who you think would resonate. Tell your kids in what positive ways they remind you of that person. Keep trying different sources of inspiration until something resonates. Your kids will pick it up, they will start to model their behaviour on their own.